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 I recently had a breakdown where I felt the pain that my friends and family would feel if i choice to actually go through it. It felt so fucking terrible, I wouldn’t wish that on them... so suicide isn’t really ever a real choice. Plus, had a dream about being in purgatory that felt so fucking real, and terrifying. Feeling my consciousness collapsing in on itself, but my mind panicked and wanted to live after all... waking up from that was something was such a blessing. The thought that I wouldn’t wake up from the real thing scared me enough to keep at it for the time beingOf all things, it was a celebrity suicide that changed the way I thought. When Chris Cornell killed himself it hit me: if I was sad over a celeb I didn't know IRL, imagine how sad my mom or LT boyfriend would be. Truly considering how crushed my mom would be.. that was the beginning of  Nice Real Men Drink Whisky Shirt things turning around.It is during that return, that pause, that Sisyphus interests me. A face that toils so close to stones is already stone itself! I see that man going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end. That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness.

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